Remember the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse? No, not the ones in the Bible. The other ones, those that can ruin relationships. Yup, in what can feel like apocalyptic times, there are relationship meltdown points Dr. Gottman calls the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. These are criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling. You must get rid of them. Why? Because they predict divorce more reliably than anything else. Thus the apocalypse of your relationship if not addressed. Just working on eliminating them will do wonders for your relationship. And contempt is the worst of them!
The antidote to contempt is to describe your feelings and needs. When tempted to put your partner down, stop. Instead, take a moment to figure out what is going on. Ask yourself, “Am I angry? Irritated?” It may be that you need to have a conversation with your partner about that, instead of calling them a name. For this, use the softened approach. The formula is: “I feel about . I need ”. Start the conversation with something like, “I’ve been feeling irritated about how money is being managed. I need us to talk about how to handle all these expenses.” Working on creating a culture of respect and appreciation in your relationship will also go a long way to making contempt a thing of the past. Look for the things you appreciate and share them with your partner; this can make a big difference!
“Communication is a skill that you can learn. It’s like riding a bicycle or typing. If you’re willing to work at it, you can rapidly improve the quality of every part of your life.” Brian Tracy
A Survival Kit for Your Relationship
A Survival Kit for Your Relationship
Our exclusive guide — Lockdown driving you crazy? Don’t strangle your partner, try this instead… is packed with information to help you and your partner come out of the pandemic with a stronger relationship.
